Ending

I lay on my bed this morning staring up at the ceiling with the sound of birds echoing around my half-empty room. The sweet messages of old conference talks came out of my phone and fell on un-listening ears as I, lost in thought, continue to gaze up at the ceiling. It would be impossible to put to paper my thoughts or follow their path as they flowed in and out of my mind's center stage in a confused and crooked course, jumping from topic to topic and person to person. Were it not the Sabbath it would have been a perfect time for a run, where sometimes I can burn off stress and feelings, organize my thoughts and put things into perspective. Instead I just laid there and let the tide of thoughts wash over me. Despite the crowd of memories, people and concerns jostling for position in my mind I felt completely empty. I've felt that emptiness for the last two weeks. As soon as I leave class and there is nothing to occupy my immediate attention, the frenzy commences again in my mind.

Giving your whole heart into something, someone, well many someones and then having it gone...Sure there is some relief but mostly emptiness. A feeling not entirely unfamiliar, one have experienced several times before but I don't think it ever gets any easier. Now comes the time fill the void with what now feels like meaningless activity. In the words of the great Kathleen Kelly:

 "People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all... has happened. My store is closing this week. I own a store, did I ever tell you that? It's a lovely store, and in a week it will be something really depressing, like a Baby Gap. Soon, it'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm heartbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died....and no one can ever make it right."

Its ok, I'll get over it. But for today I'm enduring an ending.